Dancing Through The Storm
“Things don’t look right.” Those were the words of the ultrasound technician when I went in for my 10 week ultrasound. So filled with excitement, I was looking forward to seeing my second baby for the very first time. My son was 4 years old and we (my husband and I) felt it was time to have another one…give him a sibling to grow up with. We never would have suspected that this would be the outcome.
At this time, we were active members of a small church family. We had always put God first in our lives. I really thought that my faith and loyalty would keep terrible things from happening in my life. There were 5 other women in my church family who were pregnant or had just given birth. It was raining babies and we were all so supportive and loving as we took this beautiful journey together. I couldn’t have asked for anything more from life! And then the rain came…
I was diagnosed with a Molar Pregnancy; technically called Hydatidiform Mole or H-Mole. I was devastated! I had never heard of this condition before and wondered why this had to happen to me. All this technical jargon was thrown in my face all at once but all I heard was, “Your baby is not alive. There is no heartbeat.” As the medical professionals and my own research explained it, this condition forms a tumor in the uterus that is not cancerous but it can cause cancerous cells to travel through the body, more especially to the bones and lungs. In my case, the egg was supposed to split into two but did not and the result was a mass with twice as many chromosomes as needed. There was no way it could be viable. This was another ball game entirely! What was I supposed to do with this information? I concluded that God did not love me as much as he loved my “sisters” and, for whatever reason, He wanted me to suffer.
We’ve all been there…thinking we are not loved or not worthy of love. We tend to sit and wonder why…”Why me?” In my anger, I turned my back on God and decided that if He wasn’t checking for me, I wouldn’t be concerned about Him! I even went as far as to list all the reasons each of the women in my church family did not deserve the healthy babies they had so that God would see how unfair He was to me. That’s deep. I actually questioned God’s motives and I honestly felt so alone. That downward spiral led me to a really dark place. I got to the point where I could not see a way out and that was scary.
While I was in the midst of the storm it was dark and lonely. I didn’t think anyone else would understand what I was feeling so I put on a smile and pressed on through. I had to get weekly shots of chemo drugs for about six weeks and have my blood tested periodically over the next year to be sure the cells were not growing or becoming cancerous. This rain was so heavy in my heart. Needless to say I was not able to be the wife and mother that my family needed so something had to give.
I finally decided to get help. I went saw a therapist and took meds for about 15 months and things got better. So much better! It was not easy at all! It takes courage to step out of your comfort zone and make something different happen in your life. There will always be those naysayers who will kick you when you’re down or make you feel like less than human just because you’re going through a rough time. I lost friends who just couldn’t understand that I was not well. That was a hard pill to swallow at the time but in the rain I learned to dance like no one is watching. I learned that the rain plays a melody that begs for us to move in a certain way that carries us through it in our own special rhythm. I stopped asking, “Why me?”, and started to realize that our strength cannot grow if there are no challenges. We cannot teach something we have not learned ourselves. Most importantly, those people who matter your life will love you unconditionally!
The rhythm of my blue is the sound of the rain because it reminds me that no matter what is happening in life I need to dance!!! What’s the rhythm of your blue?